Monday, July 18, 2011

a new story: part eight

Read parts 1-7 here.
Another month passed with little to no movement other than the slow blossoming of the feeling that international adoption was the path we should take.  It was now the middle of June (can you tell we're getting to the end of this story??  Thanks for sticking with us!) and Genny was in town from Manhattan. She and I got some much-needed one-on-one time away from our children (whom we dearly love but keep us from having any sort of a complete conversation) and our conversation turned toward adoption - a topic near to both of our hearts.  She asked me where we were in our process and I whined, "I don't know!  Help me process this!"

She was gracious enough to let me verbally vomit all over her about how I still don't know from which country to adopt and because of that I start to doubt I've been hearing God correctly about everything else and blah, blah, blah and I found myself saying, "...and Eric's no help because I'm usually the one who gets these gut feelings about what we should do and he prays about it and usually comes around to what I think.  I feel like I could talk him into any of our options, but I don't feel that gut instinct in this and I don't want to have to talk him into something so big."  And then these words came out of my mouth:

I think this is supposed to be Eric's pregnancy.  Lila was my pregnancy - I got to carry her, suffer for her, feel her kick and move, birth her, nurse her, bond with her in ways he couldn't.  I would love to be able to tell our child 'Mommy desperately wanted to hear from God about where you were, but God wanted to tell your Daddy.  So it was Daddy who found you.'

And I watched Genny's face change as I said those words.  And tears welled up in my eyes.  And I said, rather blubbery, "That's it, isn't it.  God's not going to speak to me about this.  He's going to tell Eric."

And I knew that I couldn't tell Eric that.  I didn't want him to feel any pressure to hear from God.  I knew it was going to have to be like our trip to Ethiopia to visit our sponsored kids.  I would have to lay it down completely until Eric brought it up.  And at that moment I felt a rush of peace and at the same time felt the need to take a deep breath because this could take awhile.

The next day I called my friend Jordanne and told her my newest kairos moment and my resolution to wait for the Lord to speak and direct Eric.  She listened and then said,

"You know what you need to do, Kelsey?"
"What?" I said.
"It's going to sound so stupid when you say it," she said.
"What?" I said more earnestly.
"Nothing.  You have to do nothing.  Too many wives say, 'I'm going to let my husband lead on this one,' and then they nag or hint or bait their husbands to manipulate them to do what they want.  You can't do that.  Not if you believe that this is what God is saying."

Then she reminded me that when Gabriel told Mary that she would be giving birth to God's own son, Mary didn't run off to tell her fiance what the plan was.  Instead she "treasured these things in her heart," and waited and trusted God to communicate His plans to Joseph.

Jordanne was right and she'd hit the nail on the head.  I knew I couldn't even casually bring up the topic of adoption without accidentally leading Eric in one direction or another with my questions.  I took a mental deep breath and began gearing up for, what I thought would be, at least four months of treasuring (or brooding over) these things in my head and heart.

Part 9 is coming tomorrow!

1 comment:

Katy said...

Oh my goodness, you are such a great woman. I don't harrass my hubby into anything either but with something this big I am not sure what I would have done-probably not keep quiet!!!
I can't wait until part 9