Monday, August 20, 2012

someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye!

Till then, Baby, are you gonna let 'em hold you down and make you cry?
Don't you know? Things can change! Things can go your way if you
Thing'll go your way!  Hold on for one more DAY!

Why the Wilson Phillips? Because they're awesome!  And that song is my guilty pleasure.  Can't help but sing into a hairbrush microphone whenever I hear it (just ask the girls who lived on my floor when I was an RA).

Let's take a moment and enjoy the awesomeness:
 (Watch at your own risk, I totally got sucked into a rabbit hole of 80s/early-90s music and ended up wasting about 20 minutes watching the likes of Baby, BabyIt Must've Been Love and Take On Me.)

Oh man, Chynna Phillips gets the award for most dramatic sand swirling.  I've never actually seen that music video before.  Pure 80's perfection.  Which brings me back to why I really started this post with Wilson Phillips: we are officially in the 80's!

That's right!  After six months on the waiting list, we have moved ten spots and are officially out of the nineties at number 89!  Wahoo!

I know we don't update much about our adoption here, and that is mostly because there's not much to update.  Every other week we get an email from our agency which tells us if there have been any referrals that week.  When there has been a referral, we assume that means we've moved down a spot, but sometimes we'll move spots without referrals - if families leave the program for some reason - or sometimes we'll stay put or even move back up a spot - if a family loses a referral or if an Ethiopian adoptive family joins the list (Ethiopian families are expedited because Ethiopia prefers placing children in a home that would keep the culture and language for the child.  We love that they do that, by the way - no resentment here!).  So to get an "official" number, we have to email our consultant which I try to do once a month or so just to check in.

So I sent an email last week asking two questions:
1. What's our number?
2. Should we still anticipate a two year wait from dossier submission in February?

I was actually more interested in her answer to the second question because the answer would affect whether or not we continue to try to get pregnant.  If you'll remember, our youngest child has to be at least a year older than the child we are referred so the longer it takes us to get pregnant, the more we are  (in theory) stalling our referral.  Even if we got pregnant this month, we would be looking at May of 2014 before we would become eligible for a referral which, if the two year wait holds, is delaying our wait by three months at the least.

Although, if I really do the math, it took us six months to move only 10 spots, so if that rate stays consistent, that's 20 spots per year and at number 89, we'll be waiting FOUR YEARS or MORE!  But, our adoption consultant said that, while it's (in her words) "impossible to predict" how long we will wait, she would still estimate a two year wait from our dossier submission in February.

So what do we do?  In reality, it's all a big guessing game.  How long will it take us to get pregnant?  How long will we wait for our referral?  The answers are "I don't know" and "I don't know."  So at this point, each month we discover we aren't pregnant, we are asking the Lord, "Should we try again next month?"  So far, I have had a really strong urge to continue to try to get pregnant - I just don't feel like I'm done being pregnant.  I would be really sad if Lila's pregnancy was my only pregnancy.  So I am trusting that to mean we should keep trying.  All we can do is take it one month at a time and continue to ask for the Lord's guidance.  Ultimately, we trust our family - present and future - to Him.

In the meantime, I am feeling the Lord reminding me to avoid dwelling on the whens and whos of future kids and to focus on my already-here-and-really-awesome kid.  We had Ruby today and it was a rough day obedience-wise for Lila.  A busy weekend leading into having Ruby here left her a little defiant, evidently.  That coupled with a short nap made me sigh dramatically when I heard this over the monitor at 8:30 tonight:

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!  I not tired.  Mommy, I not tired!  Mommy, I don't want to go to sleep."

"Yes you do.  Go to sleep!" I responded to the monitor.

And then, this:
"Mommy I missed you today.  I missed you today, Mommy."

Oh. my. heart.

I had a fleeting thought "she's playing me" scurry in and out of my mind, and then I turned to the Husband and said, "Who can resist that?!"

When I went into her room, she was standing in the corner of her bed with her Lambie, Snuggle and Birdie Blanket all balled up in her arms.

"Mommy, I missed you today."

"I missed you, too Peanut.  Can I rock you for a little bit?"

She nodded and I lifted her out of her bed.

As I sank into the rocking chair, she nestled in and said, in the sweetest voice imaginable, "I love you, Mommy."

Whimper.  "I love you, too Baby Girl.  So much."

We rocked, her long toddler legs dangling over the arm of the chair.  After awhile, I lifted her back into her bed, and she murmured, "Pat my back and sing me a song?"

And I thought to myself, THIS is what mommy dreams are made of.  These moments are the moments I dreamed of when I imagined motherhood.  Folded over the crib rail, patting my baby's back, whisper-singing "You are My Sunshine."  Mouthing I love yous and hearing her sigh in a way that says she is exhausted and secure.

In these moments, I'm grateful to have every ounce of my mommy-hood to shower on her little body.  Soon enough, we will have the joy of another small one in our house - Ethiopian or Kansan is yet to be told - and we will be awed at how the immensity of our love and capacity for adoration simply multiplied to make space for the new One.  But for now, I will jump at the chance to show the One I already have that I missed her, too - even if she is just stalling.  Bedtimes be damned.  I'm gonna snuggle my Baby Girl as long as she'll fit in my lap.

A self-initiated rest time on the couch.  I love how she spread her Snuggle out over the pillow.


Dana Butler said...

loooooooove that sweet girl. you are one heck of an awesome mama.

Jessica Blake said...

you'll snuggle her for as long as she doesn't fit in your lap even....daddy still snuggles us...and we don't fit very well anymore. and it's the best.
you're the best. the best lila mommy that ever was.

Holly said...

Sweetest post! I love the way you drop everything and go in for the good stuff- and snuggle time is definitely the best! I know how crazy and hard it is to wait for your family to grow and I know He has something awesome planned. Love you :)

brit said...

I'm not sure if I have said this before but our daughters sound extremely similar. and I have always said I will rock her to sleep until she refuses to let me! I seem to constantly be asking myself when or if to have another and what a good reminder that we should focus on the child we have now and trust God for our family. great post!

Katy said...

My eyes swelled with tears reading about loving her like you do. It will still be possible for a couple three years I imagine. Tony still loves to cuddle with me and he will be 6 in 4 months. GASP!!