Thursday, February 7, 2013

Day 7

You are a tool the Lord uses to refine me.

Mostly I mean that you definitely have a naughty streak.  You are a strong willed child!  It is strange to say that because often you are compliant, obedient and want to please.  But when it comes down to it, it's your will that runs the show.  Your will pushes you toward obedience and it pushes you toward defiance.  You seem to have a knack for pushing my buttons and sometimes, I'll be honest, I absolutely lose my cool with you.  I'm working on that.  The Lord is refining me day by day through mothering you!

Today as we were getting ready for your nap I gave you a choice, "Do you want to wear PJs or the clothes you have on?" (you have a thing for wearing comfy clothes when you sleep), and you chose to wear the clothes you had on.  But then, two minutes into our wind-down routine, you decided that you wanted to wear jammies instead.  Only, too bad, you had your chance to make that choice and I wasn't going to give in to your fickle preferences (aka STALL TACTICS).

You were not happy about that.  You threw a monster fit.  You kicked and hit and spit at me.  By the grace of God, I kept my cool.  I am learning you bit by bit.  I am learning when you are trying to push my buttons and get a reaction and when you are out of control.  It is hard for me to not react to something like hitting or spitting - something so disrespectful that makes my blood boil - but I have learned that what you want from me in that moment is a reaction.  You are trying to make me mad.  So I need to show you that I am the grown up, not the kid.  I need to show you that you don't call the shots.  I need to show you that my way is best for you.  Oh yes, I had a moment when I wondered if this was a battle worth fighting, but I was already deep into it by then so I had to stand my ground!

So I remained calm.  I held your arms away from me and told you that I was not mad, I was calm and that I would wait.  You screamed and flailed and spit like a little demon.  You threw your Birdie Blanket and Snuggle.  You arched your back.  I relaxed against you, let you feel that I was not going to fight.  And soon enough, you collapsed into me, you reached for your Snuggle and blanket and asked for a tissue to wipe your face.

As I placed you in bed, I was overcome by my love for you.  It seems strange to say that after such a display, but it's true.  I felt for you so much.  I felt for your struggle.  It is hard to be disciplined, to be corrected, to not get your way, to learn your boundaries.  But I felt the Lord say to me, "I see you this way.  I understand how hard it is to discipline your will to Mine.  I will be patient with you, too.  Your tantrums don't make me love you less.  Trust me.  Trust that I want your best, just as you want the best for your girl."

So thank you, my strong-willed valiant girl.  I love that you keep me on my toes and that our Father uses the love of you to gently break some hardened unhealthy habits of mine.  I love you.

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